didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
