Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
