I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
