Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
