so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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