So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
