He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
