I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
