I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
