I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
