Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Life is so much better after having sex.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
