Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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