The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
