Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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