i just wanna soil my oats bro
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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