she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
