they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
