I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
