hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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