Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
