Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
