just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
