I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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