White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
