I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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