were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
