it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
