So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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