I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
