I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
