i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
