Swine flu. Run for my life!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
