My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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