Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
