Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
