We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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