Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
