Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
