I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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