My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
