one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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