Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
