new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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