Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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