Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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