There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
