I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Randomize
