My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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