My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
