So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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