you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
