capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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