I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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