Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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